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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26703163">Howl</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostsea/pseuds/ghostsea'>ghostsea</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, First Love, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Pre-Tonks, Sad, it's really very sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:00:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26703163</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostsea/pseuds/ghostsea</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>'And now, as he looked into her eyes for the first time in years, his heart beat traitorously.<br/>She was bound to hear.'</p><p>A chance encounter forces Remus to remember his past. Told in flashbacks, Remus laments the loss of not only his friends, but his true love.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Howl</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was her hair that was different. It no longer hung down her back in loose, carefree waves. Instead, it was short, shiny and straight with not a strand falling into her face. But she still had those eyes, those blue eyes that haunted his dreams every now and then. They were still as deep as the ocean and as infinite as the sky, the way he always remembered.</p><p>His eyes fell to her lips. Those heart-shaped lips that used to press against his skin, that used to whisper his name, that used to gasp under his touch. Those ones that used to smile at him reassuringly, that let him know it would all be ok, telling him everything would work itself out in the end. But they were no longer the playful, innocent pink they used to be. Now they were ruby red and all the more alluring.</p><p>The lips smiled at him, illuminating her whole face and making the corners of her eyes crinkle where subtle wrinkles had appeared. Those hadn’t been there before. And now, as he looked into her eyes for the first time in so many years, his heart beat traitorously. She was bound to hear.</p><p>She was pleased to see him; she told him he was looking “great”. If only that had been true.</p><p>He told her she seemed to have only gotten more beautiful over the years.</p><p>It was a foolish thing to say but he was sure he saw the faintest sign of a blush as she laughed.</p><p>Oh, how he missed her laugh; that hearty, loud and infectious laugh. She could always light up a room. He could remember now how she was always the light to his dark. Her skies were always blue, her sun always shining.</p><p>It was what had driven them apart.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">1979</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She pressed her lips against his softly, smiling into the kiss. Her eyes snapped shut, her hands pressed against his chest before leaning back and smiling up at him, wrapping her arms around his neck as his hands rested on her waist.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Y’know Remus, I really thought you would have asked me to marry you by now.' She said it matter-of-factly before a grin stole over her face. 'Your friends have already told me you’re madly in love with me and I’m pretty sure you’ve told me a few times yourself.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I’m sure your dad would love that,' he said sarcastically. 'His darling daughter, so beautiful and smart, so witty and talented-'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Oh, stop Remus, you’re making me blush.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He laughed before continuing, 'His precious daughter marrying a werewolf. I can see him now as he comes after me with a dagger.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Oh, Remus,' she said removing herself from his arms. 'Do we have to do this again? I don’t care if you’re a werewolf.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'That’s because you don’t know how dangerous it is.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'We’ve been together almost three years! I think I get the gist of it by now.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shook his head, 'Let’s talk about this another time.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She let out a sigh and crossed her arms. 'I’ll have you convinced yet,' she said defiantly.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Her hand flew to her earring, twisting it unnecessarily, it was an old habit. It was then he saw it – the engagement ring. His heart seemed to stop, his mind went blank.</p><p>He already knew she had moved on. Already knew she had gotten married many years ago, for they had told him, mentioned it casually. Nothing of interest to them, merely gossip. He had concealed his emotions smartly until they were out of sight and he was alone. But it didn’t make it any easier seeing the absolute proof here in front of his face, on her finger. He had spent many sleepless nights now wondering what he was like. What did he do? How did she meet him?</p><p>Was he better than him?</p><p>But a part of him believed she hadn’t moved on. She couldn’t have. Not when his heart had remained so solidly in the past, waiting for her to come back to him. He knew it was only a matter of time before she would be back in his arms.</p><p>And yet, time passed and she never came back. At first it was days, then months, then years, until eventually he started to blame time itself. If only so much time hadn’t passed, he could have fixed it. He could have spoken to her before it was too late, to tell her he believed her and it was possible, they could be together happily.</p><p>But he didn’t.</p><p>Because he couldn’t believe her. Not really. Yet, as she stood here in front of him, he knew he would lie to get her back, tell her whatever she wanted to hear. But time had moved on and he was sure it didn’t matter what he said anymore. Nothing would work.</p><p>His eyes still lingered on her hand long after she had lowered it. Judging by the size of the diamond on her finger he assumed her husband must be a rich man. They probably had a nice home together, somewhere quiet with a large garden. That was what she had always wanted. It was what he could never have given her.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>1978</em>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>They lay in bed together, her head on his chest, the morning sun reflecting in her dark hair and highlighting a series of scars on his body.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Ok,' she said. 'If money wasn’t an issue, where would you live?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled, 'Anywhere with you.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She laughed and tilted her head back to kiss his cheek. 'Very cheesy.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Hey!'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Well that means I get to make the decision then, right? I say we live somewhere quiet, in the countryside.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'That sounds lovely,' he agreed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Ooh, maybe beside the beach? That would be lovely too wouldn’t it? We’d have a large garden and I could do some gardening.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'You don’t know anything about gardening,' he laughed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I’d learn!' she said pinching his side earning a yelp of protest from him. 'You could help me.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I’d probably be better at ripping them up whenever I transformed,' he said laughing.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>He couldn’t resist, he asked who “the lucky guy” was. That common phrase, thrown around playfully when luck had nothing to do with it; no one got a girl like her through luck.</p><p>His name was Nicholas, she told him. He worked in business, she met him through a friend and turns out their parents had been friends too. It was a small world.</p><p>A young boy came bounding up to her excitedly, pulling at the hem of her sleeve impatiently. With a pang of despair, he saw the boy had the same brilliant blue eyes as her.</p><p>'Mummy,' the boy spoke to her.</p><p>She had a child now. She had always told him she didn’t want children. He remembered clearly the arguments they used to have.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>1980</em>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>'Lily must be due soon,' she smiled excitedly. 'Do you think it’ll be a boy or a girl?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He looked at her, a book in his hands, 'I don’t know.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Well, aren’t you excited?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Of course I am.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She looked at him, her eyebrows furrowed, 'What’s wrong?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He sighed. He never was good at hiding anything, not from her anyway. 'Well... It’s just got me thinking. I mean, what if that happened to us?' he spoke quietly, almost childlike, looking for her reassurance. 'What if you got pregnant? I don’t know what would happen. I mean, what if he ended up like me?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Then I’d be delighted,' she smiled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'You know what I mean.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She shrugged, 'I don’t want children anyway.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shook his head, 'That’s because you’re young but what about when you’re older? You’ll want children then.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'No,' she said resolutely. 'Not if it means I can’t have you.'</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>She handed the boy a galleon and he ran off happily to his friends.</p><p>'I was sorry to hear about James,' she said after a moment. 'I did write to you. I wasn’t sure if you got my letter.'</p><p>He did receive her letter telling him how sorry she was, that she had cried when she heard the news. And that she had cried not only for James and Lily but for him, knowing how heavily he depended on his friends. He didn’t reply, he remembered sitting with a quill and parchment but no words had come to him despite there being so many he wanted to say.</p><p>He also remembered how James had liked her very much. He always told Remus he should put a ring on her finger before someone else did.</p><p>
  <em>'Girls like her don’t go unnoticed for too long, my good friend.'</em>
</p><p>He should have listened to him. He should have married her. Instead Nicholas who worked in business had beaten him to it.</p><p>'I’m sorry.' The words tumbled from Remus’ lips, taking even him by surprise.</p><p>'What for Remus?'</p><p>He closed his eyes at the sound of her saying his name. It conjured up memories of a happier time when his life had seemed too good to be true.</p><p>'For everything.'</p><p>She seemed to understand although she shook her head, smiling softly at him. 'It was a long time ago. You were in a different place, I understand. I hope you’ve found your happiness now.'</p><p>He wanted to tell her that he hadn’t, that he was only ever happiest when he was with her. That everything else seemed mediocre in comparison.</p><p>But he nodded instead.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">1980</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>'HAPPY NEW YEAR!'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The cheerful calls ran throughout the house as she searched for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Don’t get too drunk, you’re not staying here late!' Lily chided the party but her eyes shone and she laughed as James knelt down, kissing her round stomach.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Remus stood in the kitchen away from the party, his hair dishevelled and his eyes bloodshot, a glass of Firewhiskey in his hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Remus?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her voice was soft and concerned. She crossed the room quietly and stood beside him, looking out the window with him. She laced her hand in his and he turned to look at her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Happy new year,' he said quietly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I love you.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled sadly, 'I know you do. I love you too.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She nodded as he looked down.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I know what you’re thinking of doing,' she said turning her body to face him. She placed her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He didn’t say anything as his eyes fell on her. He was surprised to see her smiling.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'You keep pushing me away Remus but I won’t give up. I’m telling you now I won’t let this go.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shook his head and removed her hands, 'It’s too dangerous-'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'So?' she cut him off. 'Do you know how many teenage Muggles are killed a year in road accidents?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at her, 'What? No, what’s that got to do-'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'It’s the biggest killer of teens in the world. But they still drive don’t they? They go out every single day and cross roads without worrying if they’re going to die.' She smiled at the bemused expression on his face. 'I don’t wake up wondering if you’re going to somehow forget there’s a full moon tonight and accidently kill me. I know you’re too cautious. Almost to a fault.' She grinned, 'Please, stop this and give me my New Year kiss?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He couldn’t help but grin back at her. She always made it so difficult for him to try to let her go and from the triumphant look on her face, she knew it.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>He watched as she walked away, the little boy’s hand in hers as he glanced over his shoulder curiously to look at Remus. But she didn’t look back, how he wished she would look back at him just one last time.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>1981</em>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>He made his way to their bedroom, his jacket thrown over his arm as his other hand ruffled his hair. He was tired; it had been a long day. He opened his bedroom door and made to throw the jacket on the bed but she was already sitting there, on the edge, her hands clasped together. She had her coat on. A suitcase lay on the floor in front of her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Remus’ heart pace quickened.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He looked from the suitcase and back to her, he couldn’t read her expression but she looked like she had been crying. Maybe she had heard some bad news? Maybe she had to return home to stay for a few days? In those few seconds of silence it seemed he had thought of every plausible explanation except the one that was true.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Hi.' It came out as barely more than a whisper, his voice seeming unwilling to cooperate at a time he knew he would need it most.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She smiled weakly at him. Fresh tears were welling in her eyes. Remus stood at the door, his hand still on the handle, his jacket still over his arm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She looked down at her hands, her hair falling forward covering her face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I’m guessing we need to talk?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She looked up, hearing his weak voice. She shook her head and stood up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'No Remus, I’ve tried talking. I can’t talk anymore, there’s nothing left to say.' Despite the tear falling down her cheek and her shaking hands, her voice was strong and clear.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I don’t understand.' He took a step towards her, the jacket falling from his arm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I have to leave. I’m finished.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shook his head, 'Why?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Inexplicably she laughed; a bitter laugh that was so unlike her. 'Wasn’t this what you’ve been wanting all along?' her voice failed her this time, breaking as she tried to remain defiant. 'You keep pushing me away. And I keep trying and trying because I know you love me and because I love you. But it’s too hard competing with your fears. I can’t do it anymore.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I need you.' His voice came out shakier than he expected as he took another step towards her, grabbing her hand in his.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She looked at him for a few moments and the silence was welcome to Remus. It postponed the inevitable.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'No. Your visions of the future don’t include me. And there I am talking about marriage and our home together whilst you nod along and let me continue even though you don’t believe it. And I know I can’t convince you, God knows I’ve tried.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This couldn’t be happening. Remus heard her words, saw her tears and could feel his own heartbeat but he could not comprehend it because he didn’t want to. She was everything to him, she was the reason he came home at night, the reason he still looked for a job despite knowing how useless it was. The reason he kept trying.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I’m just so tired Remus.' Her blue eyes met his, 'Please, let me go.'</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>How could he have been so foolish? Every second that he had spent in her company had been the best seconds of his life yet every time he was alone he thought of ways to jeopardise their relationship, ways to end it for her own safety. He realised now that he had always been glad when she refused to accept his poor excuses, when she promised she wasn’t going to let go.</p><p>But he kept pushing her away. He had pushed and pushed until finally she had to let go and fall into someone else’s waiting arms.</p><p>He had let his fear consume him until it was his only companion.<br/>
 </p>
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